Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Why did I do that

In an attempt to find an exciting life for myself, I went on the Rhodes scholar website.
I don't feel inadequate at all, I just feel UNDER-advised.
How did these kids have any clue how to become concert cellists, olympic skiiers, AND 3rd-world development scholars who also volunteer at an orphanage in Bangladesh during the summers while formulating micro-funding matricies for the lending of small amounts of credit to disenfranchised women of the local village, all the while advising wayward teens at the local Y -- all at the same TIME??

I do not begrudge these turbo-people their achievements - clearly their efforts are going to be a good thing for the world, and some of them may be fun to corner in a rocking chair on a porch with some lemonade for some lovely chatting, but hey, I'd like to study at oxford, why didn't I know i COULD do all this crap, and why, where, and when did I get so dis-enabled, dudes?
Anyway, I shouldn't have done that web-site lookin'.

But the fact is I want to travel, and I dont' have the dough, so I've got to find my motivation and the dream somewhere so I can get a grant, or get the magical blessing from above that is supposed to be bestowed upon those who dream, etc...

This dead-end job business is just a ill-fitting pair of jeans on the legs of my life, and I'm ready to take them off.

I remembered reading jane eyre, and the one thing I just HATED about it was that she was so OBLIGATED to everyone but herself, and now I am Jane Eyre, and that is not cool. Still, I have no desire to be THAT girl on the blog, introspecting my life away while the years go by....yuck, the feeling sorry for yourself blogger - trite and tragic! And nothing like me, so I'm not concerned, but I'm listening to a lovely phone message from jason mraz to some website (yes, its a little creepy, but he makes it not seem so), and well, its helping me to feel a little peace in his exhuberance, and his having made his peace with God, and in the knowledge that the sort of completion he's found waits for everyone.

and it does!

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